


Beyond memory

by Darknessisafriend



Category: You Were Never Really Here (2017)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:47:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22598812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darknessisafriend/pseuds/Darknessisafriend
Summary: Imagine where reader has an accident and lost their memory permanently, however Joe doesn´t give up his wife and tries to win her back
Relationships: Joe (You Were Never Really Here)/You
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

He had rushed to the hospital as quickly as possible. This couldn´t be happening. His heart was racing in his chest as he arrived at the reception, there was so many people around, so much noise all around him.

“Sir? Sir are you alright? Sir!” he was pushed out of his thoughts by the medical secretary calling him, he swallowed down, trying to ground himself in  the present moment.

“Yes...yes I’m fine. I received a call, my wife got an accident, they brought her here, where is she?” he asked as calmly as he could, looking at the woman in the eyes. 

“Give me her name first sir, and I will need to see your ID please.” she replied with empathy. Joe searched through his pockets, his hands shaking as he handed his ID to the woman and gave her your name. He clenched his fists, he didn’t like to wait, he had to get to you, quickly, he needed to make sure you were okay.

“She’s still under care but I have the number of the room in which she will be brought, you can wait for her there.” she explained, he nodded to her as a thank you and headed to your room at a quick pace. He frowned annoyed by all the noise around him, it was so loud, he needed silence, he couldn’t think! Thankfully, he arrived at your room and closed the door, leaning his head back against it, taking deep breaths to calm himself, the noise wasn’t so loud here. Opening his eyes, he went to sit in the chair in the corner of the room, resting his elbows on his knees, he buried his head in his hands. What had happened to you? What were the extent of your injuries?

Suddenly, the door opened wide with a few nurses pushing the bed you were in and installing it next to Joe; a doctor came in, he looked at Joe from head to toes almost suspiciously. Joe sighed; he knew his look didn’t inspire much trust; however, he was in no mood for this, he looked at the doctor deep in the eyes, he better quickly tells him everything. And it seemed his look was explicit enough.

“Her car was hit by another; the driver was drunk and didn’t survive the impact. Your wife had more luck, she has a few broken ribs, nothing to worry about. However, she took a nasty impact on the head...fortunately she didn’t have any hemorrhage, we had to stitch the side.” explained the doctors, his hand pointing at your head, they had to partly cut the hair on the left side of your head to treat the wound, Joe clenched his jaw, you had such beautiful long hair, in which he loved to bury his fingers.

“Nothing to worry though, there should be no after-affect.” reassured the doc, giving a confident smile to Joe “We’ll leave you too alone, she might take a few hours maybe a day or two to wake-up.” he finished,  feeling that Joe wanted them gone, he was grateful for their care but no he wanted to be alone with you, hold your hand as he watches over you. 

When they had all left, Joe brought his chair closer, taking your hand in his, bringing it to his lips, he felt tears come to his eyes, it hurt him so much to see you unconscious, your whole body covered in bruises. 

He never left your side, he wanted to be there when you wake up, hold you in his arms and reassure you. He slept in the chair, his head and arms resting next to your hand on the bed, but you didn’t wake up, almost two days had passed, and you didn’t move, not one single muscle, not one single sound coming out of your mouth, and what if you never woke up? Joe kept asking the nurses, but their answer was still the same, they kept repeating how there was nothing to worry about, they didn’t understand how he needed you, how worried he was for you...

“Please Y/N you’re the only one I have left...” Joe wept, tears rolling down his cheeks, he looked at you pleadingly, hoping that you could hear him, but as usual you didn’t react, still unconscious.

A few hours later, Joe had been joined by your parents, they had taken the soonest flight they could get. They were on the other side of the bed, holding your hand too, then, your mother skirted around the bed, and gently put her hand on Joe’s back, she knew how much he was suffering. Another long night passed where he watched other you, talking to you even though you didn’t respond, until later in the morning...

“Y/N you can do this, I need you.” he murmured with conviction, his chin resting in your hand, his eyes looking at your face with hope. That’s when he felt it, a twitch of your finger, he suddenly straightened up, quickly looking at your parents, making them realize what was happening, you were coming back to consciousness, he watched your face, you swallowed down, your throat feeling dry, you frowned, your head was pounding. You were hearing noise around you, voices, the grinding noise of a chair. Joe had gotten up to come closer to your face, his hands gently coming up to cup your cheeks.

You started to open your eyes, you wanted to know who was touching your face so softly. The light briefly blinded you, you blinked a few times to adjust your eyes to the light, you could finally see, but who’s this man? He looked rough, his long beard, his icy eyes, you felt fear grow in your chest, why was he touching you so intimately!?

“Y/N are you okay?” asked worriedly Joe as he saw you getting agitated, he frowned, what was the fear he saw in your eyes?

“G-...get away from me!” you whimpered looking at the man, your heart racing, your hand found the button to call the nurses. Your other hand pushed away his from your face.

“I... I don’t know you...!” you panicked looking around, your eyes landed on your parents, they were here, they will protect you! Feeling more awake you started to move to try to get as far away as you could from the man, who in the contrary kept trying to touch you.

“Y/N calm down...” started your mother seizing your face to try to calm you, but you couldn’t, this man, and why were you doing in a bed, in a place you didn’t know!? What was happening!? 

Suddenly, the door was wide opened, nurses and doctors rushing in at your call, you grabbed your parents to shield yourself; the stranger had a look of confusion and pain on his face, what was all this!?

“Sir, we’re  gonna ask you to leave! Now” one of the nurses urged Joe, but he didn’t want to leave, there was something wrong, no he couldn’t leave you. 

“What´s happening? Why does she not recognize me?” he panicked, looking desperately at the nurses; a male nurse approached him, trying to push him out of the room, Joe struggled, he'd fight with the guy if he had too.

“Nobody kicks me out!” he growled at the nurse, grabbing him by the collar ready to give him a headbutt, the man lifted his hands in the air in peace.

“Listen man, just go with me outside, at the door and calm down. Let us check on her first.” answered firmly the man, Joe gritted his teeth, the nurse was right but it was just so hard he didn’t understand what was going on. Until the idea popped in his mind; what if you suffered some sort of memory loss? Then why would you remember your parents and not him? He paced in the corridor, trying to calm himself, maybe he was just imagining things. The doctor finally came out, he had a serious face, it wasn’t of good omen, Joe knew it, so he stood still, looking at his feet, waiting to hear the terrible truth.

“Your wife is suffering from memory loss, the shock apparently hit the left hippocampus harder than we initially thought, she forgot everything that happened in the past 2 years...” his heart missed a heartbeat, it felt so painful; what he had just heard, it meant you had completely forgotten him, he was a complete stranger to you, which explained your terror when you looked at him “I’m sorry Joe, there’s not much we can do, her memory could come back after a bit of time but I’m going honest there’s very little chances for that to happen.” added sadly the doctor, patting Joe’s shoulder, he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, the noise all around him was so loud again, he put his hands on his ears trying to make it go away, his heart was racing, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think!

“Fuck...no it can’t...I can’t...” he started to panicked, stumbling against the chairs in the corridor, falling down on the floor, his vision was blurry, it was all too much, no this couldn’t be happening, he was nothing without you, he didn’t exist without you!

“Joe calm down...” he felt the hand of the doctor on him, Joe violently pushed them away, he had to get out, he couldn’t stay there, he needed some air; with difficulty he got up and quickly made his way out, reaching his car, he entered in the back, locked himself in it, he rocked back and forth, his head in his hands, angry tears ran down his cheeks, he was fuckin’ happy and now all of this was taken away from him! 

“Honey, you sure you don’t remember anything?” asked again your father with a worried frown, your mother gently stroking your hand. You shook your head, feeling lost, how could two years disappear from your mind?

“I knew this man, am I wrong?” you asked weakly, you felt drained, so many things had happened for the last few hours.

“Yes, you loved him very much...” answered your father, you fidgeted your fingers, feeling tears coming to your eyes as he confirmed your assumptions. 

As for Joe, he didn’t come out of the house, since what happened at the hospital, he spent most of his days in the bed you used to share, tightly hugging your pillow, burying his face in it, filling his lungs with your scent. He had lost you and he was the only who will remember all the moment you spent in this house, how many mornings you spent in each other's arms...Now he was alone, again. He will never see you again, he couldn’t; your terrified expression was engraved in his mind, he was constantly seeing it. And who knows, maybe you will appear at his door in a few minutes, remembering who he was? He tightened his grip around your pillow, he...

He jumped, startled by the ringing of his phone, who could be calling? He took his phone out of the back pocket of his pants and looked at the screen.

_ ‘Incoming call Y/N’  _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: explicit self-harm

Joe’s heart missed a beat, he starred at the screen displaying your name, he felt hope rise in his chest, did you remember him? So, with a trembling hand, his thumb unlocked the call, he stayed silent, waiting for you to talk.

“Joe?” he closed his eyes at the sound of your sweet voice, how much he had missed it, you were really calling him.

“Yes...” was the only thing he managed to pronounce; as for you, you could feel the pain in his voice and you felt guilty, responsible for his state. You probably scared the man as much as you were scared of him yesterday. 

“Hum...my parents told me you were my emergency contact, and that you were the one who called them...” you started gently, you wished you could see his face as you talked to him right now.

“I did...Why are you calling me?” he couldn’t help but ask, he was confused, it seemed you didn’t recover your memory, so what was the purpose of your call? 

“Yeah, sorry...I’m...lost Joe. I can’t remember what happened for the past 2 years...I don’t know what to do...” you admitted looking down at your hands, his heart bled each time you pronounced his name “I was thinking that...maybe you could come at the hospital, to talk and...my parents also told me we were...very close; so, I figured out you might help me to fill in the blanks?” you suggested, feeling unsure if he would accept after what happened...if he was the closest person you had, then maybe, he could help you to remember; or at least tell you about everything that had happened for the past years.

“I will. I can come today if...”

“Oh yeah! That would be perfect, thanks” you replied a bit too excitedly. He didn´t answer, staying silent, he just didn´t know how to interact with you since you had lost your memory “Alright then...see you this afternoon.” you added, you heard hung up, it seemed he wasn’t the talkative type of guy. Joe swallowed down, he didn´t expect you to contact him, and now he felt hope starting to rise in his chest. 

He quickly got up, he had to make himself presentable so you would see him in his best light, he wanted to please you. But then he felt the same anxiety he had felt for your first date together. He hopped into the shower, washing his body and his hair, he felt so much determination to get you back now; when he came out of the shower, he passed a hand on the mirror to erase the vapor and looked at his reflection, he needed to trim his beard and show he was taking care of himself, then he combed his hair and tied them nicely into his manbun, a small smile formed on his lips, it reminded him on how much you loved his long hair, to bury your fingers in them as he snuggled against you or when you grabbed them as he made love to you. Then, he put on his jean and a nice brown and blue plaid shirt, you were right when you had said one day that he kinda looked like a lumberjack, he smirked because you had absolutely loved it. 

And the time didn´t pass quickly enough for him, he had paced in the living room while waiting the afternoon to come and see you. He was impatient to see your face, until he actually arrived at the door of your room where apprehension started to build inside of him; his heart was beating fast, he stood there, staring at your door, flashes of the moment when you had woken up and had been terrified by him came back to his mind; what if you get scared again when you see him? He didn´t want to scare you again...he took a few deep breaths, he had to try, so he knocked, it was weaker than he wanted to; when he heard your answer, he opened the door, his eyes instantly meeting yours.

You ignored the brief fear you felt as you saw Joe, it was a residue of what you had felt when you had woken up. Although, he was a physically impressive man, you didn´t felt frightened by him anymore, there was something sweet or vulnerable about him, he was throwing you quick glances, you understood he didn’t want to scare you again, you felt ashamed you had reacted this way, but it had been more out of instinct than anything. 

“Please, enter! You can sit next to me” you invited him, gesturing to the chair next to your bed, you tried to give him a reassuring smile, but it wasn´t easy as you were so confused about your past and to be honest you were anxious to know what happened during these two last years. 

So, after closing the door, he slowly made his way to chair; you detailed his appearance, he looked good, his shirt highlighted his broad shoulders, you realized he had long hair, tied into a manbun, you liked that on men; his beard didn´t seem as messy as you had thought when you had woken up, it actually looked quite soft to the touch. As he sat down, his eyes met yours, they were of an intense green that you had rarely seen, but they were also full of apprehension.

“Thanks for coming...” you started almost timidly, he was still looking at you, ready to listen to what you had to say “first of all...I wanted to apologize for my reaction the other-”

“No. You don´t have to; nobody thought you would lose your memory” he cut you off with a pained sigh; you nodded and looked down at your hands, slightly nervous about your first question. 

“You were my boyfriend, right?” you finally asked, there was a short silence, you heard him swallow down.

“Your husband...we married a few months ago” he answered, you felt your heart shatter at this news, you lifted your head to meet his eyes, you could see how filled with pain they were and you shared that pain, you wished you remembered him and didn´t make the ma-Joe suffer. 

“I´m sorry Joe...” you said honestly, shifting in your bed so that your hand could take his, he seemed taken aback by the contact but then his thumb came to stroke your fingers, as if he was also apologizing for not saving you in time. The two of you stayed silent for a bit of time; it was worse than you expected, you were so angry at yourself for not remembering anything. 

“How was it?” you finally asked, you were curious to know how was your daily life by his side.

“Hmm?”

“Our relationship?” you clarified, he seemed to think for a bit.

“Well...it´s... we were very close, you helped me to get through tough times and...it was happy.” he answered thinking about what else he could say.

“How did we meet?” you asked then, you wondered if it was something like work or something more original.

“I wasn’t feeling well, I was going through the loss of my mother and I was doing shit with myself, until you found me and you would refuse to leave my side until I smiled and promised to work out on those issues” he chuckled as he explained, remembering how you two met. 

“I hope I wasn´t too much of a pain in the ass” you joked, soften by his answer.

“Well maybe at first but I ended up liking it” he replied a nostalgic smile, you chuckled; you could imagine the scene, you sticking to this brooding guy and doing everything you could to make him happy. 

“When you´ll come back home I will show you pictures you took of us and I will tell you about them, it could help” he offered looking at you with hope, ‘home’ you wondered what it looked like.

“Sure, I´d love that” you replied with a sweet smile, he was being so nice and patient with you.

“When can you leave the hospital?” he asked his eyebrows slightly furrowed, he wanted to do everything he could to help you.

“Oh, I don´t know they didn´t tell me...”

“Ok, I´m gonna ask them, you will be better at home than here anyway.” he declared, quickly getting up to get an answer from a doctor; you could tell he was really eager to bring you back ‘home’ but you were not so sure about it, you forgot all your life with Joe, this home no matter how much you liked it before was now completely foreign to you, and it also meant you would have to live with Joe, even if he was being nice, you didn´t see yourself living with a stranger, especially if you used to be very intimate with him, it was probably stupid thoughts but what if he wanted intimacy with you while he remained a complete stranger to you? You were pushed out of your thoughts as Joe came back.

“They said that you can leave tomorrow.” he announced trying to hid the excitement in his voice, but you could feel how excited he was; if the doctors had said now, he would probably be carrying you to the car this instant, although it was sweet it only increased how nervous you felt about living in an unfamiliar place.

“Joe, there´s huh...I´m not sure I want to live with you yet...” you confessed truthfully, you wanted to be honest with him, it was heard for you to keep eye contact with him, you knew these words would hurt his feelings.

“What do you mean?” he cut you off frowning, hurt in his voice.

“No, no don´t take it badly!” you quickly clarified, you didn´t want to hurt him more than you already did, shit, you felt so ashamed.

“It´s just that everything is unknown to me right now and I´m gonna live in a home that even though it´s mine won´t feel like it because I have forgotten, and that is already very stressful to me right now and...” you started feeling panic build in your chest.

“So, you want to get used to the place first. And then me.” Joe stated, his tone calm; he put his hands on his hips, looking at you in the eyes to be sure of what you meant.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I hope you understand, or maybe I can go to a hotel and come sometimes ho-”

“No. I get it; it´s fine. I can take a room at a hotel, and you stay in our house, when you´ll get comfortable and change your mind about me, I´ll come back.” he replied on a casual tone, you scanned his face to be sure he was okay with it, and you were surprised to find that he didn´t seem offended, you still felt embarrassed about it though.

“Thanks Joe” you gave him a grateful smile, but fidgeted your fingers with embarrassment. There was an awkward silence after that, as if the connection you had built in a few minutes ago had disappeared. 

“Okay, I have to go. I´ll pick you up tomorrow morning.” Declared giving you one last look before leaving, you didn’t have time to answer to him that he had already left, he was probably very busy; you sighed relieved that he was so understanding.

Joe headed back to his car, he felt numb, as if he was still processing the conversation you had; everything felt so strange that he was even questioning it had happened. As he arrived to your home, he tried to replay the whole discussion in his mind, trying to understand. As he unlocked his door, he remembered the face you had when he came back from talking with the doctor, there was something different in your eyes, and as you had spoken, he had realized that you still didn´t trust him that´s why you didn´t want him in the same house. 

But why would you not trust him!? He had been nothing but kind to you since you woke up. What has changed? Why weren’t you seeing him like before?

He looked around, your home which was a few days ago full of life, happiness and love was now empty, and grey, he clenched his jaw, maybe that going somewhere else could help him to put things into perspective. 

Actually, he wanted to get out of here as fast as possible, he couldn´t bare this place without you. He hurried upstairs, picked up a bag, then went into the bedroom to take some clothes, he didn´t even look at what he took, he just wanted this to be over with. His breathing was getting faster and faster, he could hear his blood pounding in his ears, and it was getting louder and louder.

“Now where´s that fuckin´ pajama!” he cursed, looking around, then he remembered it was in the bed, he opened the sheets to take it, frustrated tears in his eyes; but as he grabbed his pajama, he realized yours was next to his. He froze, his hand was shaking as he seized it, he collapsed on his knees against the bed and buried his face in your clothes, it still had your scent, as if you had just left a few hours ago, why couldn't you remember!? 

He wanted his pain to go away, it was too much, he felt like his whole body was going to explode...that´s when these thoughts started to come back and he just couldn´t resist, he had sworn to you he wouldn´t hurt himself again but you didn´t remember so what was the point anyway!? He searched in his pockets for the pocket knife he always carried with him, and when he found it, he opened it, frowning as he looked at the blade, he had resisted its call for so long, but he couldn't anymore, it was all too much.

“Fuck this...” he rolled up the sleeve of his left arm, and cut several areas of his forearm, clenching his fist as he felt the pain spread through his arm, he watched with a morbid fascination his blood starting to come out, drops sliding on his skin, he rejected his head back, it felt so good, so relieving but quickly he felt tears again, rolling down his cheeks, now he had broken his promise and he had lost you forever, what was he going to do? He felt so lonely, since the death of his mother, you had been the only one left who loved him, he hugged tightly your cloth as he violently sobbed...


	3. Chapter 3

You were glad that the hospital had provided you some fresh clothes for you to go home. Although they were a bit itchy, it will do until you arrive home where you will be able to wear your own clothes. You looked at your face in the mirror, you had a band-aid on the side, they had told you that you had stiches to take off in a few weeks, you had a few cuts and bruises on your temple and left cheek but nothing that should mark you forever. What a shame they had cut a part of your hair to treat the wound, you though. You suddenly jumped at the sound of someone knocking at your door it was probably Joe.

“Come in!” you invited, smiling, quickly fixing your hair before turning to face him. However, your smile faded, you didn´t expect to see Joe in such a poor state, his hair were disheveled, he was wearing a long sweatshirt, he had bags under his eyes, he briefly made eye contact with you and you noticed how exhausted he looked. 

“Joe are you alright?” you asked him with a worried frown, he nodded avoiding your gaze; something had happened to him since yesterday but could have possibly make a big man like him look so miserable?

“C´mon let´s bring you home.” he said with a raspy voice, briefly touching your shoulder to get you moving, you didn’t ask him again as he didn’t seem to want to talk.

The ride was silent, Joe didn´t speak a word, you were upset and continued to wonder what had happened to him overnight; he had seemed quite well yesterday. You hoped you weren’t the cause of his poor state. You finally arrived at your house, it was small, and covered in white wood plank, there was even some flowers growing on the grass; you thought it was a funny sight, a big guy like Joe in such a cute little house. Then, he led you to the entrance, you were excited to see if the inside of  the house was similar to the outside.

“Alright, welcome home” he declared trying to make it sound joyful but you heard the sigh in his tone, he sounded terribly tired.

You walked around, exploring the place, it was a really nice little house, with a small but practical kitchen made of wooden furniture; then you stepped into the living room which was full of light, there was a sofa full of pillows and tartan rugs, it looked very comfy. Your eyes noticed pictures hanging on the wall behind, you approached to look at them, it was photos of you and Joe. 

“You always loved to take pictures of us.” he said as he came come to stand next to you; he scratched his head then, he lifted his arm and pointed at the first photo; you had an arm passed around his shoulders, your head against his, Joe had a big smile on his face, his eyes were shinning with happiness. 

“That´s the day where you officially accepted to be my girlfriend, you were so excited that you took a photo and send it to your parents.” he described with a nostalgic smile, you laughed in return, it was totally you to do this.

The second photo was the two of you kissing, in bed apparently. You blushed; it was such a strange feeling to see yourself in intimate moment with someone but not remembering them...still, you both looked so cute and in love.

“That’s huh...it was on my birthday, probably my favorite picture.” he explained with a lump in his throat, his eyes were wet, starting to fill with emotion “you had gotten up early without me noticing...and you had brought me breakfast in bed, I think we stayed in there the whole day” he sadly chuckled, you gave him a sympathetic smile, you wished you could make him feel better. Then, your eyes landed on the third photo and it broke your heart.

“Our wedding I presume” you murmured, you both looked so happy on that day, staring lovingly in each other's eyes, while holding hands. You had a gorgeous dress with a veil made of lace and he wore a very chic three-piece suit, you both looked so beautiful.  Marrying had always been one of your dearest wishes, you tried to imagine how that day went, the excitement in the morning and a bit nervousness, and then walking to him, nervously waiting with the priest, your family moved by your happy smile, then the dancing after the ceremony and the wedding night...

“Yeah” the reply of Joe was barely audible, the more he went through the photos, the more it hurt him, you wished you could put an end to his suffering, remember and happily carry on with your life where you left it. You continued to go through the photos on the wall and each time, it became harder for Joe to speak and harder for you to respond.

“Yeah that’s it, you have more photos in your laptop if you wish to see more. I wrote your password on a paper next to it.” he told you still avoiding your gaze as if the sight of you itself was unbearable; and you didn’t hold it against him.

“Thanks Joe” you mumbled with guilt. He sighed looking at the stairs leading to the bedroom, he had one more thing to do; yesterday under the stress, he didn’t take all the clothes he needed for his stay at the hotel.

“Alright, the house is all yours. I have to finish packing up my stuff and I’ll leave.” he gulped as he started to walk away from you. You nodded and watched him as he headed upstairs, his eyes looking at his feet, his back bent. But frankly you didn’t what else you could do for him; it wasn’t easy for you either. You went to the kitchen; you were hungry and you were glad that you didn’t have to eat the food the hospital anymore. You opened the fridge but there wasn’t much left, you’ll have to go grocery shopping soon; so, you opened the cupboards and smiled as you found something to your taste, a peanut butter sandwich will be perfect. 

After making it, while biting into it you walked around the house, looking at the different items, your coats, shoes, then you decided to head upstairs. Joe had told you there was your room, a bathroom and another room which you used sometimes to work and as a personal library. You could go in the study while he was in the bedroom. However, as you climbed the stairs, you stopped as you thought you heard something unfamiliar. You listened closely trying to determine what it was; until you recognized the sound of muffled cries, was Joe crying? Of course, it was him, nobody else was there. You could have ignored it and leave him time to recover but you felt like you couldn’t leave him like this, remembering him or not, he was your husband, suffering because of your memory loss. When you arrived upstairs, you noticed that the door wasn’t fully closed, so slowly, you pushed the door open.

“Joe...” you softly called, but he didn’t answer, instead his cries became louder at the sound of your voice. He was sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, he was panting as if he couldn’t breathe, he was struggling to take his shirt off, he felt constricted, he felt crushed by everything around him; you realized he was having a panic attack, how could you be so stupid and believe he wouldn’t mind going away from his own home because his wife didn’t recognize him?! How could you be so selfish! To make things worse, you noticed the many scars he had on his body, where are they from? Some of them were so big that he must have went under terrible pain; then you saw the fresh cuts on his forearm and these were unmistakable, he had mutilated himself last night and that’s why he didn’t look well this morning.

This made you realize how of a broken man he was, what did he went through to end like this? You had assumed so many wrong things about him and now you were regretting it. No, you couldn’t leave him like this, he needed your help and that was the least you could do. You crouched down in front of him and took his hands in yours, your thumb soothingly stroking his palm.

“Joe, look at me.” you tried, but he didn´t hear you so you spoke again those words louder and with conviction which made him react and pushed him out of his thoughts. His eyes were pleading you not to hurt him further, but this time you will do everything to make him feel better.

“Joe, I need you to breathe with me, okay?” you told him clearly so he would keep listening to you; he nodded, a tear running down his face. 

“Alright breathe in and out.” you instructed “That´s right, keep looking into my eyes” you encouraged him with a smile, as minutes passed, you progressively slowed down your breathing rhythm, and it worked he followed your rhythm, and as you managed to stop his panic attack your hands didn´t leave him, you kept looking at each other and it felt like you didn't even need to speak to understand the other. Then, you leaned forward putting your arms around his neck in a tight hug, he reciprocated the gesture, his strong arms wrapping around your waist, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

“Please, don´t hurt yourself Joe, I´m sorry” you murmured against his ear, caressing his hair. You stayed in his embrace for several minutes, you realized how nice it felt, you could feel his love and devotion to you and it seemed that you had formed a strong with him before the accident. And you had dared to ask him to leave you.

“You don´t have to leave just yet, you can stay a bit more with me. Let´s have dinner together, if you’d like?” you offered and you saw hope in his eyes and relief not be thrown out just yet.

You help him to put his shirt back on afterwards and led him to sit in the kitchen, you didn’t want him to leave your side in case he tried something worse. You felt so responsible for his state that you felt the need to protect him and care for him until he got better. You made him a warm cup of milk with honey, it something your grandma always gave you when you were upset, so it should work with him too. As he drank his milk, you prepared a quick and filling dinner, nothing like good food to brighten your day! The meal was mostly silent, apart from Joe looking at you from times to time and telling how good the food tasted; you had smiled flattered by his compliment and happy that you were helping him, at least a bit.

“Thank you for dinner, I´ll better be going to the hotel now” he declared with very little conviction after dinner, he didn´t want to leave, not after this nice moment you had spent together. Actually, you didn’t  feel like staying alone tonight either, the both of you needed a presence, some comfort.

“Joe, wait! I think you can stay here; I mean I want you to stay.” you blurted out, his brows furrowed, he looked at you with confusion, were you truly changing your mind?

“I feel better with you now, so...maybe you could sleep on the sofa?” you felt a bit embarrassed to say it like this but Joe´s face instantly relaxed and had tenderness in his eyes.

“That would be great.” he replied softly. The sofa was quite comfortable and even if you had offered him to sleep on the floor he would have accepted, it felt like progress to him, maybe he could make fall in love with him again! So, he hurried back at the hotel to pick-up his belongings, and he felt determined to win you back.

When he entered the house once again, he saw you prepare the couch for him, adding a cover, and arranging the pillows; that was such a nice attention from you and he craved to hold you again and kiss your face for this.

“I hope you won´t feel cold” you worried, you wished you had more to offer him.

“Don´t worry about it, it´s perfect. Thank  you Y/N. ” replied Joe moved by your behavior; it felt good to be noticed and cared for.

“Alright then...goodnight Joe” you wished him with a shy smile, he felt hypnotized, so much that he didn´t even answered you. And as he went to bed, Joe was smiling, this day had gone a lot better than he had ever expected. And Joe had never slept so well since the accident. 

You got more comfortable around him as each day passed, his presence was soothing. You even started to kiss him goodnight on the cheek; for you it might seem a small gesture but for Joe it meant the world. You were no longer running away from his touch and showed him that you appreciated his presence, and it only gave him more hope to win you back.

Every morning you found Joe already awake and preparing your breakfast, he knew what was your favorite food in the morning and that was so sweet, you were starting to understand why you had fell for a man like him. He was truly caring and he also looked like a big fluffy teddy bear, especially as you watched him prepare breakfast, his hair were untied, he was wearing a large sweatpants and hoodie, he actually looked so warm and comfy that you imagined yourself in his arms. You only realized you had gone daydreaming about this when he turned his head and met your eyes. You instantly felt blush creep on your cheeks, he had caught you.

“See something you like?” he teased you amused and pleased. You opened and closed your mouth several times, you had never expected him to flirt with you, not that you complained.

“Yes?” you replied embarrassed, you didn´t know what else to answer, a small smirk formed on his lips and didn´t leave his face as he brought you your plate and sat down next to you. You lowered your eyes and focused on your meal, you face was burning which you thought was stupid, like he was supposed to be your husband and you were getting flustered like a schoolgirl. Joe stayed silent, enjoying watching you eat the food he had prepared for you, it almost felt normal, as if nothing had happened, he felt so close to bring you back and yet there were so many things ahead before reaching the state of the relationship you had before; and he needed to it to continue living like the oxygen to breathe.

“Y/N I was wondering something.” he started, his voice lower than he wanted to, you lifted your head and met his eyes.

“Hmmm? What is it?” you asked genuinely clueless about what he wanted to talk about. He suddenly seemed nervous; his heart was beating fast, he never thought he would have to go through that again.

“Now that we are in better terms. I was thinking that maybe we could try to do something together.” he finally declared, gosh his heart was racing, what if he had scared you again?

“Like a date?” you lifted your eyebrows, to be honest you were a bit surprised, of course you were appreciating his company now and let’s face it you loved looking at him and he was surely eager to have you back as his wife. But it still felt like you didn’t know him enough... 

“Yeah dating.” he hoped he didn’t make you feel forced, but he didn't see why you wouldn’t fall in love with again, he had just caught you dreamingly staring at him; all of these were positive indicators! You thought for a bit as he looked at you waiting for an answer; yeah,  maybe a date could help you to know him better, it would be the only way to make your situation evolve.

“Alright I’ll go on a date with you Joe.” you formerly answered with a soft smile, the moment felt very romantic and intimate. To your great pleasure you saw relief Joe’s face and a happy smiled formed on his lips as his eyes filled with affection.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally go on a date with Joe

You both agreed to have your date three days afterwards. And you grew nervous about it, you wondered if you could fall in love with Joe again, maybe the circumstances were different and that’s what had made you fall for him...because now, you just liked him, he was nice, and you felt the need to take care of him for some reason but you didn’t feel in love; and it had nothing to do with his physical appearance which to you thought had some kind of charm. The pressure on Joe’s shoulders got heavier too, this date had to be perfect; if you don’t fall in love with him, he would have failed and lost you forever and if that happens, he won’t make it through the next day...

Because the two of you grew nervous, things at home were a bit awkward, Joe was even more attentive towards you, he wanted to make sure you had everything you needed and that you knew he was there for you, ready to fill in all your desires, to the point that you found him clingy but you took on yourself. On your side, you constantly watched his every action, overanalyzing what he said or did, even though you didn’t have any expertise on the matter, you wanted to fully know him, his true self, especially because he was a mysterious man who didn’t talk much and you didn’t want to make him feel bad by overcoming him with thousands of questions. 

It was finally the big day, you were in the bathroom, pinching your lips together as you looked at your appearance in the mirror. Of course, your hair hadn’t grown back yet, you tried to move the hair on top of your head to hide the shaved part; and purple bruises still covered parts of your face. And even though you had put makeup to conceal them, the few cuts on the left side of your face were still visible, you wished you would look prettier for this first date. You sighed with frustration and exited the room. From the corner of your eyes you noticed Joe, he was leaning against the doorframe of your bedroom, his arms crossed, looking at his feet. His hair were nicely tied, he wore a light blue shirt with a long black coat, you never thought he could dress so elegantly and it made you feel even more self-conscious about your face. 

He lifted his head when you came out, he detailed you from head to toes, he stayed silent. He was probably disappointed in how you looked compared to him.

“Sorry, I did my best to hide the marks, I hope it looks okay for you...” you said apologetically, lowering your eyes with embarrassment. You heard him approach you and stop a few inches from you. He lifted his hand to put a loose strand of hair behind your ear, exposing your shaved side.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen Y/N” he said, his voice slightly hoarse, you felt warmth creep on your cheeks.

“You’re not too bad yourself.” you joked before lifting your head to meet his eyes, they were full of tenderness.

“And if anyone says the contrary, I’ll make them pay.” he assured you, threat omnipresent in his tone. You gave him a grateful smile, you appreciated how protective he was of you. A sweet smile formed on his lips too.

“Let’s go.” he added, putting his hand on your back. You both left for the city, you were eager to see how the date was going to go, you often looked at him as he drove, his piercing green eyes focused on the road, you could tell his mind was racing, you wondered what he was thinking about. Still, you felt a certain sense of peace surrounding the both of you in this moment; it felt normal, regular.

When you finally arrived, he got out of the car first, and quickly made his way around the vehicle so that he could open the door for you, you took the hand he offered you. At this moment, he noticed you didn’t wear your wedding band. He ignored the hurt he felt at this sight, he reminded himself he was happy enough you had accepted to go out with him. You looked at the small restaurant in front of you, it looked like a family friendly, traditional dinner, nothing too pompous. He followed your gaze then looked back at you, briefly scratching his beard.

“I hope it’s okay for you, big crowded places make me nervous...” he explained, embarrassed and with a hint of fear in his eyes. 

“It’s alright Joe, we’re together, that’s what matters doesn’t it?” you replied with a reassuring smile, squeezing his hand, he exhaled in relief and the both of you headed inside. 

The place wasn’t too crowded, and you preferred it this way, it felt more intimate and at least you’ll be able to hear each other talk. 

“So, Joe, what do you enjoy in your free time? I noticed you enjoyed cooking, anything else?” you asked him with a sweet smile, you saw a smile in his eyes. 

“Yeah, I like it especially when I cook for you.” you felt yourself slightly blush at his cute answer “I like reading too and hum...watching movies?” you arched an eyebrow at his hesitant answer; he noticed it and cleared his throat.

“I-we did everything together so it’s a bit hard to tell, I just liked to do things with you.” he clarified, he thought about how boring he sounded, but to you it was very romantic. Joe was such a sweet man; he was always putting your needs before his own; it was so easy to talk to him and he seemed so much more relaxed around you, he even made eye contact with you during dinner, which is something he rarely did since you came back to consciousness.

“No, I really like your look! You look very comfy and warm like a teddy bear!” you admitted with a bit too much passion, you calmed down, blushing as a smirk started to appear on his face “I guess, that’s why I never asked you to change, you’re beautiful the way you are Joe.” his brows furrowed as if he was melting at your words, then slowly, a genuinely happy smiled formed on his lips, which is something he didn’t do often. And as the night went on, you grew closer to each other, you couldn’t explain it, you just felt like you could trust him and you felt safe around him.

“What do you say of leaving and getting back home?” you offered him, it was getting late, this way the two of you could take your time to go home. 

“Okay, I’m gonna pay at the counter.” he said, getting up and reaching for his wallet in his back pocket. 

“I’ll wait for you outside.” you told him, he nodded in agreement. His heart was fluttering right now, the date was going so well, you had smiled at him and even flirted with him; he was still making you happy. Despite your memory loss, it seemed you could fall in love with him a second time, and that made him so happy. 

The air was chilly tonight, you tightened your coat around your body, you glanced at Joe inside the restaurant, he was waiting behind another couple paying, he was shifting on his feet, he was impatient to get back to you.

“What a beautiful woman like you is doing outside in the cold?” you quickly turned your head at the voice to find a young man, standing a few feet away from you. He had a kind smile, he didn’t seem a threat, he was merely flirting with you apparently.

“Oh, I’m just waiting for my friend paying inside.” you answered him with a polite smile; you felt a bit of guilt to say ‘friend’ because legally Joe was your husband, but your current relationship with him was quite different, even if it was slowly heading back to normal.

“I see, maybe I could keep you company while waiting for them.” he offered.

“Thanks, but it’s fine really.” you replied flattered.

“Alright, then maybe I can hope for crossing your path again.” he added sweetly; you appreciated he didn’t insist.

“Don’t you lay your eyes on my wife!” suddenly shouted Joe as he came out, he grabbed the man by the shirt and heavily headbutted him.

“Joe!! Leave him alone!!” you screamed shocked at what had just happened, Joe let go of the man who fell on the floor, blood coming out of his nose and the open cut on it, you crouched down next to the man, giving him tissues you had in the pocket of your coat. You had never seen such a raw violence before, you looked back at Joe, no you didn’t know him at all, there was something off with him, what kind of sane man would do such thing!? He didn’t even try to understand what was happening or gently push the man away! 

“What´s wrong with you!?” you shouted at him as you got back up, he clenched his jaw, avoiding your gaze, he had realized too late he had reacted in a disproportionate way.

“I don’t understand why I would fall in love with someone like you...you should get a room in a hotel.” you spoke, trying to prevent your voice from trembling in fear, you didn’t know how he was going to react to your words, especially after this. This time he met your eyes, they weren’t full of rage as you expected but full of pain and hurt, a thought erupted in the back of your mind that you were being too harsh with him but you ignored it.

“You know what? I wish I was the one who didn’t remember cause it’s fuckin’ painful.” he lamented, his voice breaking, you stared at him starting to feel sorry for him but how could you ignore he hurt another man for such an insignificant thing as flirt? But before you could think more about it, Joe turned on his heels, leaving in a slow pace, you saw him pass a hand on his face, as if he was crying; no, you must have imagined it. You directed your attention to the man, apologizing and making sure he could get back home by himself.

You called a taxi to get back to your house, and during the ride you couldn’t help but think about what happened all over again, you had had a great night with him and you were starting to feel affection for him; you didn’t understand why Joe reacted so violently, you had seen him so sweet and caring, you had thought he wouldn’t hurt a fly, it was as if for a brief moment he couldn’t control himself and let out this part of him...

As you entered your house, everything was silent, it felt empty. Joe wasn’t the talkative type, but you could always feel his presence, his body, his eyes silently speaking for him...now you were completely alone and you felt miserable for telling him to go away. You needed to call your parents, you always shared everything with them, surely they knew this about Joe. You sat on the sofa were Joe had slept, waiting for your parents to answer.

“Hello?” you heard the voice of your mother and it made your eyes wet.

“Mom...” you muttered, you didn’t know where to start, what to say.

“Darling are you alright?” she asked with worry.

“I think I did...I don’t know what to do...” you spoke quickly, your mind racing, the more time passed the more you felt terrible.

“Y/N calm down and tell me what happened, did something happen with Joe?” you took a deep breath, she can only help you if you spoke clearly.

“Yeah, I told him to leave because he punched a man for flirting with me, it was so quick and it came out of nowhere, it scared me mom...but it feels wrong that I kicked him out, I don’t know what to do anymore...” 

“Oh, I see...he didn’t tell you about his condition?” you frowned at her question.

“What condition?”

“Well, you knew a lot more than us about it, but you had told us that Joe was suffering from PTSD from the war and his time in the sex trafficking department of the FBI. He-”

“Wait, he suffers from PTSD...how does that link to his behavior?” you interrupted her; what she had just told you was already deeply moving.

“Well, you had done research about it and apparently there is an increased risk of violence, issues to deal with emotion like being quick to anger and extreme behaviors, including self-harm and you had met him when he had a particularly tough anxiety attack.” she explained, you let your head fall back against the arm of the sofa, that explained so many things, what have you done?!

“Shit, why didn’t he tell me...” you let out; it was worse than you expected.

“Honey, he doesn’t like to talk about this, you just happened to know about it because you met him in those circumstances; and after that, I don’t really know how but you could feel when his mind was going away or how upset some things could make him feel...” added your mother, hoping to sooth your mind.

“Fuck, I should have gone after him, I don’t even know where he went; mom if you had seen the look on his face when I told him I didn’t want him, what if he does something irreversible? I-” you started to panic; your heart was racing.

“Honey listen to me, Joe loves you very dearly, you can still make it right. Other than the incident, do you like him?” she asked you, she wanted to make sure you knew how you felt about him.

“I do...since I came back home, we’ve had a great time, I think I care for him and I miss him.” you admitted for the first-time out loud, and made you realized the nature of your feelings for him, you had ignored them for a few days now.

“Then, call him and tell him how you feel.” advised your mother, you could imagine her tender smile as she told you this. Yes you were going to call him right away, and ask him to come back and never leave ever again. After you hung up with your mom, you quickly selected Joe’s phone number and waited for him to answer; and it felt like forever, the ringing was still going and he wasn’t answering until you heard the voice of the answering machine, you closed your eyes, disappointed, you hoped it wasn’t too late...

“Hey Joe, it’s me...I hope you’re okay, I’m so sorry for what I said, I didn’t mean it...I just got scared when it happened, if I had known about everything you’ve been through, I would have...I would have asked you to come home with me... These past days have been perfect for me, I-when you’re not here, I miss you, I feel like there’s something missing in my heart...” you blinked away the tears threatening to come out of your eyes “When you said you wished you wouldn’t remember, I understand how heartbroken you feel but you’re wrong, I need you to remember, I need you to remind me each moment, each word we said to each other, each touch we shared...please Joe come back, I want you to stay with me.” you finished , your voice trembling with emotion, you hung up and felt a tear roll down your cheek, you didn’t know where he went, there was nothing you could do but wait for him; you took the hoodie he had left on the sofa and put on yourself before you curving into a ball wrapped in his scent...

Joe was in his hotel room, on the floor of the bathroom, the cold wall of the bathtub against his back. He had his revolver in his hands, he was morbidly looking at it, his hand his shaking, his jaw clenched, his eyes red and swollen from crying, he was so close to do it...but suddenly his eyes were distracted by the screen of his phone lightning up to show that you left a vocal message...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! thank you all for following this story <3

It was late in the night, you didn’t know exactly what time it was, the sound of the drops of rain heavily falling down on the roof made you feel numb, you couldn’t fall asleep, your mind was far too busy with thoughts about Joe, what were you going to do without him? What would be the purpose of your life? What if your behavior resulted in an irreversible and desperate act from Joe? 

_Knock_ _knock_

You slightly lifted your head at the sound and listened carefully, did you really hear someone knocking at your door in the middle of the night? No, it must have been the rain. But then you heard it again but stronger this time, someone was definitely there! Could it be Joe!? Or the police!? At this thought you jumped out of the sofa and ran to the door. 

“Joe?” you exclaimed, almost not believing he was right in front of you, he was still wearing his outfit from your date but he was soaking wet and panting as if he had run under the rain to come to you. You looked at each other in the eyes, forgetting everything else around you, Joe’s eyes were so desperate, pleading you to accept him and never push him out ever again. You couldn’t bare the distance between the two of you anymore and threw your arms around him, ignoring his soaked clothes dampening yours. You hugged him as tightly as possible, there was so many things you wanted to tell him. 

“Forgive me Joe.” was the only thing you could say. After hearing the sincerity in your voice, he finally wrapped his arms around your waist, burying his head in the crook of your neck, you brushed your cheek against his collarbone, enjoying his warmth, his protective embrace, even if he was the one in need for protection right now; you could like this for hours but your remembered he was soaking wet.

“You must be freezing, let’s get you inside.” you said leaving his embrace to tenderly caress his cheek, Joe didn’t spoke but his eyes did, he was still afraid that all of this was false hope but what better than hold you one last time if it was the case. 

You guided him to the living room, sitting him on the sofa. Then, you rushed to the bathroom to get towels and dry him up. When you came back, you noticed he hadn’t moved, he was staring at the floor in front of him, as you approached him, he came back to reality and watched you move. 

“You need to take your shirt off, you’re gonna catch a cold.” you told him, leaning forwards to unbutton his shirt, he finally started to react and finished taking it off. You took the big towel you had to dry his torso, his arms and finally, his back. He leaned forward resting his head against your tummy as you did so. 

“Here, you need it more than me” you added, taking off his hoodie you had been wearing, he seemed to fully come back to himself when he realized that. 

“You’re wearing my hoodie?” he asked in disbelief, he wanted to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating, this time you didn’t blush, you knew Joe needed to hear you cared for him. 

“Yes, I missed you Joe and wearing it made me feel like you were there with me.” you admitted, his eyes left the hoodie to focus on your eyes.

“I’m here now.” he replied with seriousness, putting the hoodie on, he was so ready for you, you just had to say the word.

“Yes, you are. And that makes me so happy...I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me but I’m saying it again, I’m sorry Joe, I didn’t know, my mom told me afterwards when I called her.” You added with guilt, looking at your feet.

“There’s nothing to be forgiven for, I should have told you I had this...” he objected, you smiled at him and gently brought the towel on his head to dry his hair, he closed his eyes as you massaged his scalp 

“If you’d like we could start over our date?” you offered after a bit.

“I’d be stupid to refuse...you’re the only thing that makes me wanna stay alive.” he declared, intensely looking at you in the eyes, how could you push away a loving and caring man like him?

“Then, let’s stay inside. If I recall correctly, you liked watching movies?” a smile formed on his lips, he seemed much more eager and comfortable to have a date this way.

“I’m not tired anyway” he grinned, leaning back on the sofa to be more comfortable to watch the movie. 

“Good! me neither!” you replied with excitement; you went to the shelve next to the TV to choose a movie among all the DVD’s that were there.

“Oh my god!!! We're definitely watchin’ this! What do you think Joe?” you turned with an excited grin, showing the DVD to him. 

“Brother Bear...” he made a face as if he wasn’t a fan of the movie “good choice, it’s my favorite.” he added with a mischievous grin, you squealed, happy to have chosen perfectly. You set it on and went to sit next to Joe, leaving the few inches between the two of you at first. But as the movie started the two of you began to relax, Joe laughed with you at the two moose and smiled at the relationship between Kenai and Koda. 

Until you felt the need to be closer to him once again, you threw a quick look at Joe, he was totally into the story, you shifted at your place, which distracted him from the movie and made him look at you; you smiled almost shy and leaned down to rest your head on his lap; he lifted his arm in surprise, he didn’t expect you to seek such proximity so soon; but he loved it, it was like you used to do before the accident. He watched your relaxed face, and gently put down his arm on yours, at first slowly caressing it, until he felt you fully relaxed under his touch and he felt brave enough to move his hand to your face, his fingers brushing against your cheek, your hair, you resisted the urge to close your eyes at the enjoyable sensation, it felt so nice, this strong man who could so easily beat down another had such a gentle and featherily like touch which he only had for you. Joe felt like crying when he saw you happily smile under his touch. 

Soon, due to the late time and the care of Joe, you feel asleep, happy to have him by your side. When he noticed you had drift off to sleep, Joe debated whatever to stay in this position for the whole night or put you to bed and taking the risk to disturb your peaceful sleep. He finally decided to bring you upstairs, his back would terribly hurt if he stayed seated the whole night. So, gently he lifted your head with his hand so he could stand up without too much disturbance. Then, he put one arm under your legs and the other under your neck; he easily lifted you up, you were so light for him compared to those heavy 80 pounds backpacks he carried for hours during his time in the army. 

Thankfully you didn’t awake, and even snuggled closer to in chest in your sleep as he carried you upstairs, he smiled softened; your call had been so unexpected, he had lost any hope, and now you were closer to him than ever after the accident. He quietly pushed the door of your room with his foot and laid you down on the bed. He took off your slippers and then your socks, lightly caressing your feet; then he slowly moved the sheets from under your legs to cover your whole body so that your sleep won’t be disturbed by the chilly air. He went at the level of your shoulders and bent down to place delicate but long kiss on your forehead, he hoped that tomorrow will be good and that one day you’ll grant him the happiness to let him kiss you once again.

As much as he didn’t want to leave, he had too, he glanced at you one last time before closing the door and heading to his sofa. It was still warm; he kept his hoodie on when he realized it was now bearing your scent. 

In the morning you woke up at the first lights of the day, it seemed you had a restful sleep; it took a bit to realize you were in your bed and to understand Joe had brought you there, it was very attentive of him. You smiled as you thought about last night, you could see yourself pass every nights of your life on the sofa with him, watching Disney’s, cuddling and kissing…speaking of which you missed kissing him, of course until now it had only been on the cheek but you still missed anyway, and now you were starting to imagine his lips on yours, how is beard would tickle your skin, the caress of his tongue against yours, his taste…you giggled at your thoughts so early in the morning; you wondered if Joe was still sleeping maybe you could cook him breakfast for once.

So, as quietly as you could you headed downstairs and approached the living room. You smiled, softened when you saw him peacefully sleeping, hugging his pillow. You tip toed to the kitchen and tried to prepare pancakes as quietly as possible; you often turned your head to check if he was still asleep. Now you just had to cook them in the pan.

Joe stirred under his covers, awaken by a delicious smell, someone was cooking breakfast. He opened his eyes, and slightly pushed himself up to see you cooking pancakes. He smiled, amused when you swore in whisper after almost making a spoon fall on the floor but catching right in time; he could watch you for hours but a yawn escaped his lips which made you notice he was awake, you put your pan aside and put some pancakes in a plate and filled two mugs with coffee. It was a bit acrobatic for you to carry all these by yourself, but you managed to reach the sofa without any trouble, you smiled at Joe as you made eye contact. 

“I thought I’d be the one making breakfast this morning” you said, as you set the plate on table and handed him his coffee mug, before kissing him on the cheek but this time Joe noticed how close to his mouth you had kissed him, as if you were resisting the urge to kiss his lips.

“Thanks for bringing me upstairs” you added staying close to him, your knee brushing against his thigh.

“I wanted to keep you with me, but I wasn’t in the best position.” He joked on a flirty tone, you chuckled, slightly biting your lower lip, he was so adorable.

“Do you think we could have another date today?” you asked suddenly, trying to hide the eagerness in your voice.

“Already?” he smirked, what a great way to start the day than with the person you love asking you to spend more time with you.

“What can I say, I’m just eager.” You grinned, taking a sip of your coffee. Joe seemed looked at the window, thinking, a smile formed on his face.

“I have idea, if the weather is good, we could leave this afternoon and stay there until the end of the day.” He offered, looking back at you.

“Hmmm a mysterious destination, I already like it.” You grinned, excited to go there.

For the following hours, you and Joe prepared a picnic for this mysterious destination. You also had to dress accordingly to the destination which needed a bit of physical effort to be reached according to Joe; so you picked a long short, a loose t-shirt, hiking shoes and sunglasses; Joe did the same, except he preferred the cap at the sunglasses. Then, you took the car, leaving the city and driving for almost two hours and end up surrounded by nature, an immense forest was ahead of you, apparently there was also raging torrents bordered by cliffs. You were truly excited to explore the place, you’ve always liked a bit of adventure, and you also enjoyed the tranquility of nature.

“Ready?” asked you Joe with sweet smile, as put the heavier backpack on his shoulders. You took the other one which only contained water, your raincoat and the first aid kit.

“Yep! How much time do we have to walk?” you asked out of curiosity, he shrugged, looking at what seemed to be the path.

“Depends of how many breaks we take and how long, maybe two hours and a bit less on our way back. What you already tired?” he teased you with a grin.

“No chance, you’ll be the one behind.” You replied on the same tone, he grinned defiantly and started to walk.

But he was right; after 45 minutes of ascension, you were the one behind, when he was taking one step, you were taking two and soon you were panting. He slowed down and turned his head towards you.

“Come on, just a few more minutes of walk and we’ll be able to take a break in a nice place, we’ll eat our well-deserved picnic.” He said, encouraging you by putting his hand on your back, and both his touch and words gave you energy you thought had left your body, your stomach was grumbling with impatience. You finally arrived in a clearing with a small stream. You deeply inhaled as you let down your backpack, you let out a groan as you sat in the grass, your knees and muscles were tense. As for Joe, his breathing was barely more rapid than at rest, he chuckled at your look of disbelief and started to unpack the picnic, which to be honest your devoured in less than 15 min.

“Is that the last cherry tomato?” you opened your mouth agape, still hungry for more food; Joe grinned playfully and slowly opened his mouth to eat it, you pulled an outraged face before he couldn’t resist anymore to your cute face.

“Open your mouth” he said, his voice slightly hoarse and you obeyed, his eyes traveled to your open lips, how bad he wanted to capture them; he slowly put the fruit in your mouth; feeling flirty, you looked at him in the eyes as you closed your mouth before he could retract his fingers, tasting the tip of his finger, he swallowed down at the sensation, you wondered what was going through his mind, you could clearly see he was having a hard time resisting you. 

After this break growing with desire, you two continued your ascension, thankfully your muscles were warmed up now and you didn’t find it as hard as when the hiking started. And you forgot it all when you finally arrived at your destination, you froze at the incredible view before your eyes, you had arrived on the top of the highest cliff and a view on the immense forest ahead of you, it seemed endless, it was beautiful, and even more with the light of Sun which was starting to go down; you’ll probably arrive back at the car at nightfall. Joe was looking at you with a tender smile, he was seeing himself on you when he had seen the view for the first time.

“Did we ever come here before?” you asked still looking at the horizon.

“Yeah. It was our first date.” You turned your head towards him, waiting for more details.

“We meet in the city; I was in the middle of a panic attack…but you manage to bring me back to reality and soothe me. We stayed together, talking and having a coffee for hours afterwards. And at the end of it, I told you I’d like to see you again, and you offered to choose the place of our first date…” he came closer to you, his eyes never leaving yours, he lifted his hand to caress your jaw, you took one step closer to him, your breast brushing against his torso.

“You brought me here, because you had made some research and you knew a peaceful place like that would appease me and it never happened to me before. This constant cacophony in my head had stopped…” he finished, it confirmed everything you had felt for him since you woke up; this need to take care of him, make him smile, soothe him, it’s all that you ever wanted…and you wanted to continue, make each of his day better, make him forget his suffering and make him love life again; and finally love him…so you leaned forward and placed your lips on his, at first Joe froze, he never thought he’d get to kiss you again, and now, willingly you were showing him that you loved him. Then, he grabbed you by the hips and crashed you against him; you responded by putting your arms around his neck, one of your hands coming to cup his cheek; it was desperate, needy, as if despite your memory loss, your body remembered and had craved his touch since then; you suddenly felt hungry for even more, your tongue went to caress his lips and he instantly granted you access; how sweet you tasted, how he had missed this. Suddenly, Joe felt overwhelmed by his emotions, he tried to push them away so he wouldn’t break the moment you two were having, but it was too strong, a tear rolled down his cheek, wetting your upper lip and a sob escaped his throat, making you break the kiss. You lifted his chin, making him look at you in the eyes.

“I love you Y/N” he wept, and you erased his tears with your thumb.

“Shhh, I love you too Joe.” You smiled kissing his lips once again, nuzzled his nose against yours.

“We should get back before it gets too dark out there.” He smiled, looking at you lovingly, you nodded and entwinned your fingers with his.

The way back was completely different, in fact it didn’t seem long enough to you and Joe; you didn’t want this moment to end, hand in hand, exchanging kisses while giggling like teenagers, forgetting time, forgetting the world, now it was just the two of you.

And when you finally arrived home, it was night, you had stopped at a drive thru for dinner, and you were glad to be home, you will have a well-deserved rest tonight. As you entered the house, Joe turned and encircling his arms around your waist and longingly kissed you.

“Goodnight, love.” He murmured against your lips before leaving you and heading to the sofa for the night but no, you didn’t want him to leave, you didn’t want to be away from him tonight; so you caught his hand, he stopped and turned, slightly frowning as to why you had done that.

“Stay with me…” you breathed with hope, Joe’s eyes opened wider when he understood what you meant; he approached you once again, taking your face in his hands and slowly kissing you, he was going to show how much he loved you, how important you were to him.

After leading him to the bedroom, you took off his cap, and untied his hair, you just loved it when he let his hair loose; then, burying your fingers in his hair, you closed the gap between the two of you, slowly and deeply kissing him, it felt new and exciting but also familiar, your mind hadn’t forgotten all of it after all. Joe’s hands traveled from your hips to under your shirt, slowly caressing your skin, your heart missed a beat at his touch, it was so gentle and yet it felt like he exactly knew where to touch you; you smirked against his lips, after all those years together, Joe knew exactly how to please you, and you will try to do the same with him. 

You took off your t-shirt, finally seeing Joe’s hands on your naked skin, and it sent shivers down your spine. His hands briefly left your body so that he could take off his own shirt, it wasn’t your first time seeing him shirtless, but this time you could enjoy how broad he was, your hands traveled on his body, slowly exploring his muscled arms, the scars on his torso, his chubby tummy; you could feel his rapid breathing under your burning touch, he had missed your contact so much. Then, he captured your lips once, slowly pushing you towards the bed until the back of your legs bumped into it.

When you were finally lying down on the mattress, Joe came on top of you, his long locks tickling his nose. Then, his mouth was on you again, he could never get enough of you and yet, he remained gentle with you, as if he was afraid you would disappear. His lips traveled from your mouth to your jaw, your arched your head back at the sensation, your skin was so sensitive, and even more as he traveled down your neck, you let out an aching moan; Joe smiled against your skin, what beautiful sounds you made under his touch, with expertise he took off your bra, revealing your beautiful breast, he hungrily captured your hard nipple between his lips, you bit your lower lip as you felt his tongue teasing you, your fingers buried in his hair to encourage him, until you couldn’t take it anymore.

“Joe…” you moaned with need, he was so good, you wanted to feel him fully, become one with the man you love. To your pleading tone he went back to your mouth, your tongue gently tasting him. One of your hands left his locks and traveled down his body, he moaned in your mouth as you reached his lower body, but with one hand it wasn’t easy to unbutton his pants, so your hand went back to his torso to push him, he fell on is back on the mattress, and you went on top of him, getting rid of his pants and sliding down his boxer, letting out his hard manhood, you deeply kissed him, while your other started to stroke his length, he needily groaned under your touch, he couldn’t wait anymore, not after all the pain he went through those past weeks, he needed to feel you around him, so he grabbed your waist to make you roll down and came back on top of you, he quickly took off the last piece of clothe you wore and placed himself between your legs.

He paused for a brief instant, admiring your naked body until he met your eyes, you were full of tenderness. His fingers caressed your jaw.

“I love you so much Y/N, you’re my savior.” he cooed, and you smiled in return, a pleased smile.

“And you’re my guardian angel.” You replied on the same tone, this time he kissed you with more passion, your words had truly moved him. He looked at you in the eyes as he entered you, you gasped in pleasure, finally feeling complete, his lips never leaved yours as he moved, locking his fingers with yours, Joe was such a romantic and so were you, and what better than feel his heart beat against your breast, his mouth murmuring sweet words against yours as you came; you peppered his face with kisses as he soon followed you, resting his forehead against your cheek.

You stayed in this position for a while, you didn’t want to break away from each other. Until, Joe rolled on the side, exhausted by this day. Facing you, he gently caressed your arm with the back of his hand as he tenderly looked at you; you grinned as you thought about how he was the man of your life, there was no way to explain how or why but you knew it.

“Yes” you murmured, looking at him in the eyes, he frowned confused.

“Yes, I´ll marry you again and a million time more” you clarified with a tender smile; Joe’s eyebrows furrowed with the emotion, he swallowed down and felt tears prickling in his eyes, he wrapped his arms around your body, bringing you as close to him as possible, hugging you tightly, burying his nose in the crook of your neck; love is truly mysterious, beyond everything, even memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and as always kudos & comments greatly appreciated and encourage me to keep writing


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